Those of you Facebook fanatics no doubt saw my status last night about Avery. I literally believe it is not possible to experience any more joy than what she exhibited. Frankly it has energized me in the last day. But yet, how much joy am I…or many adults…emanating? Life’s troubles do seem to be an invisible millstone hung around our necks. Avery’s…and other children’s pure joy bring visibility to my grumpy, joy-less ways. I hope to begin to live more carefree but it is hard to imagine it working because of either habitual training or natural hardwiring forces me to think so frequently of accomplishing tasks…exhibit A was tonight: Avery takes her first tinkle on the big girl potty…and I run out to get M&Ms as reward…only to rush to Home Depot to grab a new entry light for Ravlin to install with siding…and get the candy ther. Yes, it’s efficient but living so strategically and tactically and efficiently has it’s way of limiting joy. Conversely when I am lazy or inefficient I feel frustrated that I have such a long to do list…
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything
I think James was speaking of something else…but I like the first four words…
I will try to update this with a picture from last night if at all possible.
Sometimes during long days and even longer nights with Micah, it does my mental and emotional state good to step back from the daily tasks, feedings, late nights and early mornings to gain a little perspective. Life seems to speed up as I get older. The years are shorter but the days sometimes seem long. I am busy all day but sometimes achieve nothing but maintaining my sanity. I have no “job” but never have a day off (unless grandma is in town). These things sometimes overtake my thinking and prevent me from having the perspective I want to have.
Life’s speed is moving too fast for me right now. I think its just now hitting me that Avery turned 2. While this might seem insignificant, I have no idea where the 2 years have gone. Everyday she is looking less like my baby and more like a little girl. She is so beautiful, funny, independent, and smart. I do not know where she comes up with some of the things she says. Tim and I are always looking at one another in amazement at how incredible she has become…well, she always has been to us. It seems like she has changed so much since Micah has been home…maybe its because I’m busier with him right now and don’t have all of my day to stare at her and know her every move, but she is truly growing up before my eyes each and every day.
In one breath, I want her to be independent, social, and be able to entertain herself…but I’m really dreading the day that she doesn’t need me to do everything for her and the day that she doesn’t look to me for the answer (“Right, Mommy?”). I know the days are fleeting that she thinks I have all the answers and that my kisses heal her boo-boos. All too soon she will be off to pre-school and then kindergarten and will spend more of her day with others than me. And I will miss answering the same question for the 10th time in an hour…I will miss cleaning her up after her lunch of “PBJ! PBJ!”…I will miss watching her run around our backyard without a care in the world….I will miss her sitting on my lap and reading the same books over and over….I will miss almost everything about these days that seem monotonous right now.
So, when I’m looking at little (big) Micah at 3 am, willing (praying!) him to go back to sleep, I am going to try to remember that someday I will think back with the greatest affection on these times….when he needs his Mommy more than anyone else on earth. When he will look at me and smile because he KNOWS me and practically no one else. These days will be gone before I know it…and this is my one shot at doing this part of life the best I can.
I had time to take this picture:
Jaym was in better spirits after I convinced her that we should laugh our way through it.
In truth, I was scared and was coaxing myself to relax. Seeing your wife in an ambulance or wheeled into an OR is not fun.
As you may or may not know (although I think the only people who read this are family, so you do know), I’ve been in the hospital a few times in the last month since Micah’s been born. Tim and I tend to have a lighthearted approach toward life in general…we like to laugh at ourselves and at each other. Its also how we deal with conflict (sometimes inappropriately) or any uncomfortable feelings (also sometime inappropriate), but it generally works for us. But sometimes it backfires…
So, during our first trip to the ER right before Memorial Day, let me walk you through a scenario and brief conversation.
Scene: At the ER. Jaymie is basically bleeding to death. Jaymie is tense, as she is bleeding to death and no one seems to care. Jaymie is laying on the ER bed with an IV, bleeding, as doctors talk about whether to send her home or to a bigger hosptial via ambulance. Tim, loving husband, is by her side.
Jaymie: basically just taking lots of deep breaths and hoping not to bleed to death before the doctors figure out if she can go home and bleed to death or if they should help her.
Tim: takes Jaymie’s hand and lovingly says, “Let’s just laugh our way through this.”
Jaymie (glaring at the Hubs): “Yeah, we’re in the ER and I’m bleeding profusely. This is hilarious.”
This was clearly one of those times Tim was trying to use humor, but it just came out as inappropriate…BOM. Major. At least we can laugh about it now.
ps. I’m still alive.
pps. This post *might* be a little overdramatic.
I thought I would post about our bucket list for the summer. When I say “our”, I mean the one I came up with right now without talking with Tim.
First, a few trips:
While all of these sound fun, I’m exhausted thinking about the traveling…or maybe I’m just exhausted.
Around our city:
Some of those may not seem too exciting, but they are for Avery!
What can I say, I am a mom of a newborn and a 2 year old…believe it or not, these goals are actually lofty.
What’s on your summer bucket list?
I love putting Avery to sleep and having night time conversations and prayers. She just lists the people she can think of to pray for. She isn’t open to suggestions though…’do you want to pray for Stacey or Katie?’. ‘Nooo…’. You all are in her prayers most nights especially if you are visiting or been seen on Skype 🙂 Nothing is sweeter than saying to her ‘Good night Avery, Daddy loves you’ and hearing back from a wiped out little girl ‘I love you too Daddy.’
Avery’s general state of joy.
Micah’s anger when he pees on himself.
Watching Jaym be a mom…I can see so much of the characteristics that led me to fall in love with her come out…all the more amplified in her care for her little ducklings. The look in Jaymie’s eye when Micah smiles or Avery does or says something sweet is something that makes me profoundly happy.
One on one time with Micah in the wee hours. Especially when he is not eating and taking it all in. We have long talks about what failed the Bulls, why he should not succumb to being a Cubs fan, and how Vanden Berg is going to surprise for the Hawks this fall. In truth, we just stare at each other. I’m trying to mentally record the moment and I think he’s looking at me thinking ‘man I hope I look like Mom.’
So on this Dads day it really is about my kids, who have blessed our life with so much joy and happiness in these short few years. To Avery and Micah…even though you are too young to get me hideous ties or make me handmade cards…I hope to one day ascend to your top spot and earn a WGD hat and mug combo. Or maybe just a job well done Daddy. Can’t think of anything I’d want more than that.
Avery talking to Micah:
“HI MICAH! HI MICAH! HI MICAH! HI MICAH! HI MICAH!” (usually while he is sleeping)
“Hi Big Guy” or “Its okay Big Guy” (when he’s crying)
“Hi Big Micah” hahahaha.
Other Avery faves:
“I like to moo it moo it” (move it move it)
“I run really fast, Mommy” (after her 1000th trip to water the tree with her quart-sized watering can)
“I wanna get wet, Mommy.” (playing outside when no water is present)
“I kick the wall. Daddy spank my doodah.” (doopah–spelling?)
“I play outside the whole day.”
“Mommy sleep in da bed the whole day.”
(something unintelligible)….”right Mommy?”
(in demanding, slavedriver voice) “SHHHOOOOOWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” (this one doesn’t get her too far)
My personal fave:
“I yuv you Mommy.”